Why we now have barn cats instead of just house
cats.
The
chronological order of events as I best remember them
5:32 AM: My wife
calls out “RAT!, RAT! Jason come a RAT!”
5:33 AM: (Me) Listen
to whole story; can’t find rat. Told it
climbed into corner area of kitchen.
5:34 AM: (Wife) Grabbed
closest cat and put into the corner cabinet area of kitchen.
5:34:30 AM (Closest Cat) Ran from kitchen in mortal fear and
would not be seen for another 6 hours.
5:35 AM (Me and Wife) Realize how useless house cats
are. Go to Plan B.
5:35 AM: (Me) Stake
out corner of kitchen lying on stomach with scissors in one hand and paint can (it’s
a long story) in the other- no sign of rat.
5:43 AM: (Me) Stake out corner of kitchen lying on stomach
with scissors in hand, paint can in other, and a neck cramp- still no sign of
rat.
5:53 AM: (Me) Stake out corner of kitchen lying on stomach
with scissors on floor, paint can next to it, and a small pillow for neck cramp-
no sign of rat.
5:55 AM: (Me) Wake up from quick nap- no sign of rat. Refocus.
6:00 AM: (Me) Return with old mouse trap left over from the
1950’s- probably original to house -no sign of rat.
6:01 AM: (Me) Set mouse trap in corner area utilizing my
special blend of peanut butter and 6 months expired processed cheese (keep in
car in dash for such purposes).
6:30 AM: Oldest Daughter emerges wanting to know what I am
doing. We eat breakfast.
6:45 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat.
7:00 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat.
7:30 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat. Beginning to doubt the existence of said rat.
8:00 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat. Open youngest daughter’s door giving her time
to wake up and watch us at work.
8:02 AM: (Oldest
Daughter)- ““RAT!, RAT! Dad come here I
see the RAT!”
8:02 AM: See rat
struggling to get behind curio cabinet.
Realize:
1.
Rat does
exist; need to apologize to wife for doubting her.
2.
It is much too big to just grab its tail and go.
3.
If I was the cat, I would disappear for 6 hours
also.
4.
The mouse trap from the 1950’s could be worn as
a stylish earring by this rat.
5.
Doesn’t like peanut butter and 6 month expired
processed cheese.
6.
He is actually trying to stare me down.
8:03 AM: (Me to oldest daughter) “Run down and get my
gloves!”
8:04 AM: Oldest daughter returns with wife’s gloves
8:05 AM: I finally shoved my gorilla hands into a size 5
pair of gloves.
8:05 AM: Losing feeling in my fingers, I focus on the
rat. The rat senses me losing feeling in
my hands and decides to execute his evil escape plan. It works as he runs across the dining room
floor.
8:06 AM: I can finally decipher oldest daughter’s scream
over my scream. Yell “Where’s the rat?”
8:07-8:15 AM: We search the downstairs as indicated by the
eye witness. Found the other two useless
cats sleeping on the couch. Also found a
button; was looking for that button for months.
No sign of the rat.
8:16 AM: Discouraged but secretly relieved, oldest daughter
and I head back up stairs.
8:17 AM: Realize youngest daughter has been watching the
whole thing from the comfort of her bed.
8:18 AM: (Me to youngest daughter) “Did you see the rat?” (Youngest Daughter) ”Yup.” (Me) “Can you show me where he went?” (Youngest
Daughter- said with a New Jersey accent, still don’t know where that came from)
“Sure.”
8:19 AM: Youngest daughter points down the hall. Suspicious, I look in our room and see the
tell tale sign of a running rodent- poo.
8:20 AM: Follow poo
trail to under bed.
8:21 AM: Lift up dust
ruffle and stare eye to eye with rat. We
both scamper in opposite directions.
8:22 AM: Close off
all hallway doors and place oldest daughter and youngest daughter in hallway,
armed with one large broom and one small broom.
8:23 AM: Begin to remove 5 years of stuff from under the
bed. Found another button, not sure I
was looking for that one. Rat
progressively moves to back of the bed, allowing me to thoroughly clean up the
stuff I have hidden under the bed.
8:25 AM: Top of bed is full of “stuff”. Trapped rat under the dead center of the
bed. He goes to one side, I go
around. He moves back to other side, I
go around. Rat tries to make a break for
the door…I dive over bed and bounce into wall.
Rat exits the door. I yell “Hit
the rat!” Youngest daughter runs into
living room and makes a flying leap for the couch, abandoning her small broom
where she stood. Oldest daughter takes
aim and hits the rat dead on with the broom.
Rat keeps running. Not sure what
I thought the bristles from a corn broom would do to a 3 pound rodent, but I am
sure he was a least dusted.
8:26 AM: Rat enjoys the back scratch and runs between oldest
daughter’s legs and runs past dog…within 3 inches of her paws. She just looks at it, possible winking a
‘good luck’ but can’t be sure. Why do we
have pets?
8:28 AM: Oldest daughter tracks rat to behind my
grandmother’s hope chest by fireplace. Oldest
daughter abandons back scratcher and stands guard in living room. We are all getting tired.
8:35 AM: We remove
all of the breakables from chest. Alarm
goes off indicating it’s time to go to school.
Adrenaline is running high. We
are all anxious, except youngest daughter- she was ignoring us and kept reading
a book on the couch thinking we are just on another one of our crazy
adventures.
8:37 AM: Finally move the chest out from the wall, trapping
the rat in the corner.
8:37 AM: Learn that rats can climb the brick façade
wall. Must have missed that on the
nature channel.
8:38 AM: I hit the
rat so it flies through the air and hits the wall. Or it just slipped and jumped, but the point
is it was off the wall and running and hiding.
8:39 AM: Oldest daughter,
with her eagle eyes, spots the rat’s tail peeking out from behind the curtains.
8:40 AM: Need to get
the rat; the school bus was coming in 7 minutes. I pulled on the now overly stretched gloves
and told oldest daughter to get ready. Oldest
daughter sets herself up between the rat and the couch and goes into a ‘horse
stance’. I like to think she was putting
herself between the rat and her sister, but I think it was just coincidence.
8:41 AM: I lift the
curtain and the rat makes a break toward the dining room. I dive and miss the rat by about a foot. I yell at oldest daughter “ KICK THE
RAT!”. I am not sure if it was pure
instinct or if it was her training that kicked in, but oldest daughter let out
a scream and went into hot pursuit. She
took three big steps and went into a flying side kick. Flying 4 feet through the air she landed dead
on the rat.
8:42 AM: We realize that a 50 pound red belt performing a
perfect TKD flying side kick had the force to push the insides of a 3 pound rat
to the outside of the rat.
8:43 AM: Remove rat pelt and other parts.
8:45 AM: Regroup,
wrap youngest daughter in a blanket, grab lunch and run to the bus stop. No problem.
Now we have barn cats.