Why we now have barn cats instead of just house cats.

The chronological order of events as I best remember them

5:32 AM:  My wife calls out “RAT!, RAT!  Jason come a RAT!”

5:33 AM:  (Me) Listen to whole story; can’t find rat.  Told it climbed into corner area of kitchen.

5:34 AM:  (Wife) Grabbed closest cat and put into the corner cabinet area of kitchen. 

5:34:30 AM (Closest Cat) Ran from kitchen in mortal fear and would not be seen for another 6 hours.

5:35 AM (Me and Wife) Realize how useless house cats are.  Go to Plan B.

5:35 AM:   (Me) Stake out corner of kitchen lying on stomach with scissors in one hand and paint can (it’s a long story) in the other- no sign of rat.

5:43 AM: (Me) Stake out corner of kitchen lying on stomach with scissors in hand, paint can in other, and a neck cramp- still no sign of rat.

5:53 AM: (Me) Stake out corner of kitchen lying on stomach with scissors on floor, paint can next to it, and a small pillow for neck cramp- no sign of rat.

5:55 AM: (Me) Wake up from quick nap- no sign of rat.  Refocus.

6:00 AM: (Me) Return with old mouse trap left over from the 1950’s- probably original to house -no sign of rat.

6:01 AM: (Me) Set mouse trap in corner area utilizing my special blend of peanut butter and 6 months expired processed cheese (keep in car in dash for such purposes).

6:30 AM: Oldest Daughter emerges wanting to know what I am doing.  We eat breakfast.

6:45 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat.

7:00 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat.

7:30 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat.  Beginning to doubt the existence of said rat.

8:00 AM: Check trap- no sign of rat.  Open youngest daughter’s door giving her time to wake up and watch us at work.

8:02 AM:  (Oldest Daughter)- ““RAT!, RAT!  Dad come here I see the RAT!”

8:02 AM:  See rat struggling to get behind curio cabinet.  Realize:

1.        Rat does exist; need to apologize to wife for doubting her.

2.       It is much too big to just grab its tail and go.

3.       If I was the cat, I would disappear for 6 hours also.

4.       The mouse trap from the 1950’s could be worn as a stylish earring by this rat.

5.       Doesn’t like peanut butter and 6 month expired processed cheese.

6.       He is actually trying to stare me down.

8:03 AM: (Me to oldest daughter) “Run down and get my gloves!”

8:04 AM: Oldest daughter returns with wife’s gloves

8:05 AM: I finally shoved my gorilla hands into a size 5 pair of gloves.

8:05 AM: Losing feeling in my fingers, I focus on the rat.  The rat senses me losing feeling in my hands and decides to execute his evil escape plan.  It works as he runs across the dining room floor.

8:06 AM: I can finally decipher oldest daughter’s scream over my scream.  Yell “Where’s the rat?”

8:07-8:15 AM: We search the downstairs as indicated by the eye witness.  Found the other two useless cats sleeping on the couch.  Also found a button; was looking for that button for months.  No sign of the rat.

8:16 AM: Discouraged but secretly relieved, oldest daughter and I head back up stairs.

8:17 AM: Realize youngest daughter has been watching the whole thing from the comfort of her bed.

8:18 AM: (Me to youngest daughter)  “Did you see the rat?”  (Youngest Daughter) ”Yup.”  (Me) “Can you show me where he went?” (Youngest Daughter- said with a New Jersey accent, still don’t know where that came from) “Sure.”

8:19 AM: Youngest daughter points down the hall.  Suspicious, I look in our room and see the tell tale sign of a running rodent-  poo.

8:20 AM:  Follow poo trail to under bed.

8:21 AM:  Lift up dust ruffle and stare eye to eye with rat.  We both scamper in opposite directions.

8:22 AM:  Close off all hallway doors and place oldest daughter and youngest daughter in hallway, armed with one large broom and one small broom.

8:23 AM: Begin to remove 5 years of stuff from under the bed.  Found another button, not sure I was looking for that one.  Rat progressively moves to back of the bed, allowing me to thoroughly clean up the stuff I have hidden under the bed.

8:25 AM: Top of bed is full of “stuff”.  Trapped rat under the dead center of the bed.  He goes to one side, I go around.  He moves back to other side, I go around.  Rat tries to make a break for the door…I dive over bed and bounce into wall.  Rat exits the door.  I yell “Hit the rat!”  Youngest daughter runs into living room and makes a flying leap for the couch, abandoning her small broom where she stood.  Oldest daughter takes aim and hits the rat dead on with the broom.  Rat keeps running.  Not sure what I thought the bristles from a corn broom would do to a 3 pound rodent, but I am sure he was a least dusted.

8:26 AM: Rat enjoys the back scratch and runs between oldest daughter’s legs and runs past dog…within 3 inches of her paws.  She just looks at it, possible winking a ‘good luck’ but can’t be sure.  Why do we have pets?

8:28 AM: Oldest daughter tracks rat to behind my grandmother’s hope chest by fireplace.  Oldest daughter abandons back scratcher and stands guard in living room.  We are all getting tired.

8:35 AM:  We remove all of the breakables from chest.  Alarm goes off indicating it’s time to go to school.  Adrenaline is running high.  We are all anxious, except youngest daughter- she was ignoring us and kept reading a book on the couch thinking we are just on another one of our crazy adventures.

8:37 AM: Finally move the chest out from the wall, trapping the rat in the corner.

8:37 AM: Learn that rats can climb the brick façade wall.  Must have missed that on the nature channel.

8:38 AM:  I hit the rat so it flies through the air and hits the wall.  Or it just slipped and jumped, but the point is it was off the wall and running and hiding.

8:39 AM:  Oldest daughter, with her eagle eyes, spots the rat’s tail peeking out from behind the curtains.

8:40 AM:  Need to get the rat; the school bus was coming in 7 minutes.  I pulled on the now overly stretched gloves and told oldest daughter to get ready.  Oldest daughter sets herself up between the rat and the couch and goes into a ‘horse stance’.  I like to think she was putting herself between the rat and her sister, but I think it was just coincidence.

8:41 AM:  I lift the curtain and the rat makes a break toward the dining room.  I dive and miss the rat by about a foot.  I yell at oldest daughter “ KICK THE RAT!”.  I am not sure if it was pure instinct or if it was her training that kicked in, but oldest daughter let out a scream and went into hot pursuit.  She took three big steps and went into a flying side kick.  Flying 4 feet through the air she landed dead on the rat.

8:42 AM: We realize that a 50 pound red belt performing a perfect TKD flying side kick had the force to push the insides of a 3 pound rat to the outside of the rat.

8:43 AM: Remove rat pelt and other parts.

8:45 AM:  Regroup, wrap youngest daughter in a blanket, grab lunch and run to the bus stop.  No problem.

Now we have barn cats.